I can't help but think about how much my life has changed over the past two years.. This week is suicide prevention week and I can't seem to get my mind off how much I would have changed my family's life by taking my own. Thinking back on it now, it would have been the most selfish thing to do but at the time..it seemed like that was the only logical thing to do. I can't even begin to put my thoughts into words.
I realize now, how truly amazing life is. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about having my little brother grow up without me and having my parents go through hell if I would have taken my life. I've caught myself slipping up occasionally. Slipping back into a state of depression when people aren't the nicest or when I just can't seem to catch a break. There are certain things that still get under my skin that I keep to myself because I don't feel as if people need to know my insecurities, but everybody has them.
I hate my weight, still to this day all because of ONE SINGLE PERSON my senior year of high school. I know that I'm not skinny, I have curves. I am well aware. I don't feel as if anybody needs to be called fat. I pretend that I'm super comfortable in my skin, but the reality of it sucks. It's crazy that one negative person can change your entire life and constantly have you thinking that way about yourself.
After getting out of a three year relationship, it's crazy to think how much I put up with and looking back and questioning why I would.. I spent more time with him than I did my family, that is one thing I truly regret. I missed so many things that I should have been at like watching my brother play baseball or going to dinner with my family. I know now to never put any boy over my family or anybody over my family.
The thing that gets me the most about all of this is after I wrote my blog, I got bullied even more about telling everybody about me getting bullied. How much sense does that even make? I can't even begin to deal with people like that anymore. Don't push somebody down when they've just gotten back up. Don't be the reason for someone being unhappy or depressed, be the reason they have a smile on their face everyday. I don't wish any of this upon anybody, because it's awful. When I was younger, I was not nice and I'll be the first to admit I AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes and will continue to make them. I AM HUMAN. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." What I try and live by now. I've found time can heal almost anything and there's a reason behind everything that happens in life.
To everybody who helped me and understood, or tried to atleast.. Thank you. You know who you are and I love each and everyone of you. <3
