I can't help but think about how much my life has changed over the past two years.. This week is suicide prevention week and I can't seem to get my mind off how much I would have changed my family's life by taking my own. Thinking back on it now, it would have been the most selfish thing to do but at the time..it seemed like that was the only logical thing to do. I can't even begin to put my thoughts into words.
I realize now, how truly amazing life is. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about having my little brother grow up without me and having my parents go through hell if I would have taken my life. I've caught myself slipping up occasionally. Slipping back into a state of depression when people aren't the nicest or when I just can't seem to catch a break. There are certain things that still get under my skin that I keep to myself because I don't feel as if people need to know my insecurities, but everybody has them.
I hate my weight, still to this day all because of ONE SINGLE PERSON my senior year of high school. I know that I'm not skinny, I have curves. I am well aware. I don't feel as if anybody needs to be called fat. I pretend that I'm super comfortable in my skin, but the reality of it sucks. It's crazy that one negative person can change your entire life and constantly have you thinking that way about yourself.
After getting out of a three year relationship, it's crazy to think how much I put up with and looking back and questioning why I would.. I spent more time with him than I did my family, that is one thing I truly regret. I missed so many things that I should have been at like watching my brother play baseball or going to dinner with my family. I know now to never put any boy over my family or anybody over my family.
The thing that gets me the most about all of this is after I wrote my blog, I got bullied even more about telling everybody about me getting bullied. How much sense does that even make? I can't even begin to deal with people like that anymore. Don't push somebody down when they've just gotten back up. Don't be the reason for someone being unhappy or depressed, be the reason they have a smile on their face everyday. I don't wish any of this upon anybody, because it's awful. When I was younger, I was not nice and I'll be the first to admit I AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes and will continue to make them. I AM HUMAN. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." What I try and live by now. I've found time can heal almost anything and there's a reason behind everything that happens in life.
To everybody who helped me and understood, or tried to atleast.. Thank you. You know who you are and I love each and everyone of you. <3
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
letting go.
I think everybody needs to take a step back in life. Forgive and forget, and remember what truly matters in life. Tomorrow is not a promised thing, why be anything but happy? I have held grudges for far too long, and it is time for me to let go of anything that has ever hurt me or held me back. I know that something are not going to go my way, but I have made a decision to find the positive in everything negative.
I am at a point in my life where all I want to be is happy. All I hear these days are about how awful people are and negativity. Nobody is perfect,and nobody ever will be. Accept the fact of how other people act and make a change in the world or some one's life. You never know what a simple smile can mean to somebody. People need to cut negativity out of their life. I've learned that I am never going to please everybody and I am never going to like everybody. That is life. I have unfriended people who I do not like on facebook, adults who have children and can not seem to get out of high school. I am not complaining or calling anybody out. I have accepted the fact that not everybody is going to be nice to me or always say nice things, and I do not let that bother me anymore. My boyfriend has been so supportive in this process of me changing my life. Giving me advice when I need it and telling me things that would help me throughout this process. Everybody needs some kind of support. I am glad to have my family for everything and friends who care :)
I am at a point in my life where all I want to be is happy. All I hear these days are about how awful people are and negativity. Nobody is perfect,and nobody ever will be. Accept the fact of how other people act and make a change in the world or some one's life. You never know what a simple smile can mean to somebody. People need to cut negativity out of their life. I've learned that I am never going to please everybody and I am never going to like everybody. That is life. I have unfriended people who I do not like on facebook, adults who have children and can not seem to get out of high school. I am not complaining or calling anybody out. I have accepted the fact that not everybody is going to be nice to me or always say nice things, and I do not let that bother me anymore. My boyfriend has been so supportive in this process of me changing my life. Giving me advice when I need it and telling me things that would help me throughout this process. Everybody needs some kind of support. I am glad to have my family for everything and friends who care :)
Saturday, January 21, 2012
the sad truth.
The older I get, the more I realize that some people will never change. The last blog I posted about bullying help a lot of people but I also got a lot of negativity including being made fun of because I wanted to kill myself at one point in my life. I knew with that blog, there would be negativity, but had no idea people were seriously so low to post things I said on their wall making fun of what I said. That being said, it made me realize what kind of people they are.. It's sad to say that's all their life will be. Going nowhere making fun of someone for what went on in their life, not having the slightest bit of a heart. My boyfriend pointed that out to me as I was balling my eyes out. He made a valid point by saying "bullying is a sign of jealousy" and how true that statement is. People who bully envy something you have. I haven't always been nice to people, but that was before I was put in their shoes. I will be the first person to admit that there are some things I shouldn't have said to people, but you can't take that stuff back. I got forgiveness from people who I hurt, and I'm thankful for that second chance.
I'm tired of being judged for who I WAS not who I am NOW. It's unfortunate that sometimes you have to be at the bottom to truly realize what kind of person you are. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm perfect, because I'm the farthest thing from it. I do need to start forgiving people more often to get to know myself a little bit better. When I was 17, I got a tattoo of the word 'Trust' on my rib cage. Trust is the most important thing in ANY relationship, the hardest thing to gain and the easiest to lose. The reason I got it on my ribs, is because it was supposed to be the most painful place to get tattooed. That being said, I don't trust people easily at all. I used to believe that every person that hurt me were bad people and always would be..but that's not true.
I don't forgive very easily.. It's hard for me to let go of things that have happened to me. I'm a bitch to people who have always been mean to me, but now I'd rather kill them with kindness. After posting that blog, I've learned who are my real friends and who I can talk to and who I can't talk to about things. But that's life. People are going to talk about you whether you're doing bad or good. You could be the nicest person or you could be the meanest person, there's still going to be those few people who talk bad about you and everything you do and want to see you fall. There's the people who deserve to be in your life and those who don't, but that's how it always will be. I learned that I need to face that fact. There is nothing you can do or say to these people until they learn themselves. I've learned to step back and look at their life and look at mine..
The sad truth is, their life probably won't get any better. They'll stay in the same place, hang out with the same people, and do the same things they've probably been doing since high school...going nowhere with their life..
<3
I'm tired of being judged for who I WAS not who I am NOW. It's unfortunate that sometimes you have to be at the bottom to truly realize what kind of person you are. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm perfect, because I'm the farthest thing from it. I do need to start forgiving people more often to get to know myself a little bit better. When I was 17, I got a tattoo of the word 'Trust' on my rib cage. Trust is the most important thing in ANY relationship, the hardest thing to gain and the easiest to lose. The reason I got it on my ribs, is because it was supposed to be the most painful place to get tattooed. That being said, I don't trust people easily at all. I used to believe that every person that hurt me were bad people and always would be..but that's not true.
I don't forgive very easily.. It's hard for me to let go of things that have happened to me. I'm a bitch to people who have always been mean to me, but now I'd rather kill them with kindness. After posting that blog, I've learned who are my real friends and who I can talk to and who I can't talk to about things. But that's life. People are going to talk about you whether you're doing bad or good. You could be the nicest person or you could be the meanest person, there's still going to be those few people who talk bad about you and everything you do and want to see you fall. There's the people who deserve to be in your life and those who don't, but that's how it always will be. I learned that I need to face that fact. There is nothing you can do or say to these people until they learn themselves. I've learned to step back and look at their life and look at mine..
The sad truth is, their life probably won't get any better. They'll stay in the same place, hang out with the same people, and do the same things they've probably been doing since high school...going nowhere with their life..
<3
Thursday, January 19, 2012
bullying.
I graduated in May of 2011, which was not too long ago. All through middle school and high school I was bullied. No teacher cared, nobody cared. My parents were parents and said to ignore it, as well as the principle. It's not that easy. I was bullied every single day of my life. In middle school I was pushed down a set of bleachers,and got laughed at. Nobody helped me up and asked if I was okay.. I got called a whore and a slut in 6th grade and I hadn't done so much as kiss a boy yet. Of course I was young and took it to heart, and told my teachers.. I was told to suck it up and the kids were just "joking around" with me. No, they were not. At the end of my 8th grade year, I was flat chested and every other girl in my grade had some form of body starting. Being the odd one, I got called she-man. Every guy picked on me and called me ugly..
Starting my freshman year, I started developing some what of a body and then the guy who made fun of me started to notice, the the girls who picked on me before took it to another level. I never wanted to go to school, I always made an excuse as to why I didn't feel good and my mom never bought it. My sophomore year got a little better, because I found Kyle. He was my rock and made me feel like the happiest person in the world. He instantly became my best friend and my boyfriend. He made everything so much easier and I talked to him about everything. I got my first job at the end of my junior year, and I hated it so much.
The beginning of my senior year, I was really happy with the way my life was going. I knew what I wanted to do in life and where I wanted to go to college. My job still sucked, but that was the only thing that I truly hated. So I went out and looked for another.It was always my dream to work at Hooters. The girls were always so pretty and glamorized, but I was always told my random guys that my body was never good enough or my boobs were too small. I went and applied, and guys who got the job? This kid. Working at Hooters had it's ups and downs. People would talk about she's this and that because of her job or you're going to hell because you work there.. The last time I checked, it was a job at a restaurant. Girls wear the same thing during the summer as we did there. I got made fun of for working there by the same guys who told me I would never get the job.. That's when it all started..
My junior year, I got a back injury playing softball, so I couldn't work out as much as I wanted to, if any at all. Instead of working out, I tried to eat right and watch what I ate. However, I am a girl. That one week out of the month I want greasy gross food. I would bring chips with me to school and keep them in my purse until I was hungry.. When a certain person saw me eat ANYTHING I would get called fat, cow, hippo, and many more things. I ignored it at first, but it only got worse. November of my senior year, Kyle and I broke up after being together for a year and a half.. I was upset about the way it ended and that it ended at all. The pain was horrible and hard to deal with, but my friends were there for me always. I broke down a few times, but other times I had a smile on my face. Nobody needed to know that I was hurt. It was none of their business. My senior year was awful at this point. I never wanted to go to school, I was constantly at the doctors, and to top it off...I couldn't play softball anymore due to my back injury. At this point things couldn't get much worse, but they did.
In my government class, I got made fun of and called names every. single. day. By both girls and boys. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I didn't know who I wanted to be.. I got made fun of for my weight, my make up, my hair, shoes...anything I had, I was made fun of for. It got so bad, that at one, when the teacher walked out of the room and I was in the bathroom, my purse got dumped just to see how much food I had in my purse.. I didn't eat at all that day (just like most days at this point), but I did have food in my purse just in case.. I walked in on people laughing and making fun of me for it. At the beginning of the year, I weighed 130. At this point, I was barely 110. I was starving myself, I was depressed, I cried every single day. I brought it to my principles attention and he told me to quit being a baby and that I was about to graduate and I needed to grow up. I didn't know what to do at this point.. I highly considered suicide..
I know there are more people than me out there that have felt this way and still feel this way. Trust me I know what depression feels like, I know what it feels like to not want to be on this earth anymore because you're being made fun of and can't handle it by yourself and people won't help you. But there are people out there who DO care, who DO want to listen. Parents don't realize that their child's schools don't give two shits about their kids life. They only care about their grades. Take Kim Jakeway for example, all he cares about are his rankings and the big names in Johnstown, Ohio. So parents, seriously listen to your kids when they tell you if they are being bullied, because you're going to be their biggest support system.
I'm sorry if any of this startles people, but bullying needs to stop. People need to see the reality of bullying and quit living in a fantasy world. Bullying DOES happen. To the people who think it's "funny" to call people names, words do hurt and can leave permanent scares on people. Nobody deserves to be hurt like I was, and nobody deserves to feel the way I felt. I wish I could sit here and say everybody outcome will be as good as mine was.. Because that's not realistic at all, and that's unfortunate.. If anybody who reads this needs somebody to talk to, I'm here. My phone is always on and my mind is always open.
Again, to anybody who I might offend, I apologize.
<3
Starting my freshman year, I started developing some what of a body and then the guy who made fun of me started to notice, the the girls who picked on me before took it to another level. I never wanted to go to school, I always made an excuse as to why I didn't feel good and my mom never bought it. My sophomore year got a little better, because I found Kyle. He was my rock and made me feel like the happiest person in the world. He instantly became my best friend and my boyfriend. He made everything so much easier and I talked to him about everything. I got my first job at the end of my junior year, and I hated it so much.
The beginning of my senior year, I was really happy with the way my life was going. I knew what I wanted to do in life and where I wanted to go to college. My job still sucked, but that was the only thing that I truly hated. So I went out and looked for another.It was always my dream to work at Hooters. The girls were always so pretty and glamorized, but I was always told my random guys that my body was never good enough or my boobs were too small. I went and applied, and guys who got the job? This kid. Working at Hooters had it's ups and downs. People would talk about she's this and that because of her job or you're going to hell because you work there.. The last time I checked, it was a job at a restaurant. Girls wear the same thing during the summer as we did there. I got made fun of for working there by the same guys who told me I would never get the job.. That's when it all started..
My junior year, I got a back injury playing softball, so I couldn't work out as much as I wanted to, if any at all. Instead of working out, I tried to eat right and watch what I ate. However, I am a girl. That one week out of the month I want greasy gross food. I would bring chips with me to school and keep them in my purse until I was hungry.. When a certain person saw me eat ANYTHING I would get called fat, cow, hippo, and many more things. I ignored it at first, but it only got worse. November of my senior year, Kyle and I broke up after being together for a year and a half.. I was upset about the way it ended and that it ended at all. The pain was horrible and hard to deal with, but my friends were there for me always. I broke down a few times, but other times I had a smile on my face. Nobody needed to know that I was hurt. It was none of their business. My senior year was awful at this point. I never wanted to go to school, I was constantly at the doctors, and to top it off...I couldn't play softball anymore due to my back injury. At this point things couldn't get much worse, but they did.
In my government class, I got made fun of and called names every. single. day. By both girls and boys. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was. I didn't know who I wanted to be.. I got made fun of for my weight, my make up, my hair, shoes...anything I had, I was made fun of for. It got so bad, that at one, when the teacher walked out of the room and I was in the bathroom, my purse got dumped just to see how much food I had in my purse.. I didn't eat at all that day (just like most days at this point), but I did have food in my purse just in case.. I walked in on people laughing and making fun of me for it. At the beginning of the year, I weighed 130. At this point, I was barely 110. I was starving myself, I was depressed, I cried every single day. I brought it to my principles attention and he told me to quit being a baby and that I was about to graduate and I needed to grow up. I didn't know what to do at this point.. I highly considered suicide..
I know there are more people than me out there that have felt this way and still feel this way. Trust me I know what depression feels like, I know what it feels like to not want to be on this earth anymore because you're being made fun of and can't handle it by yourself and people won't help you. But there are people out there who DO care, who DO want to listen. Parents don't realize that their child's schools don't give two shits about their kids life. They only care about their grades. Take Kim Jakeway for example, all he cares about are his rankings and the big names in Johnstown, Ohio. So parents, seriously listen to your kids when they tell you if they are being bullied, because you're going to be their biggest support system.
I'm sorry if any of this startles people, but bullying needs to stop. People need to see the reality of bullying and quit living in a fantasy world. Bullying DOES happen. To the people who think it's "funny" to call people names, words do hurt and can leave permanent scares on people. Nobody deserves to be hurt like I was, and nobody deserves to feel the way I felt. I wish I could sit here and say everybody outcome will be as good as mine was.. Because that's not realistic at all, and that's unfortunate.. If anybody who reads this needs somebody to talk to, I'm here. My phone is always on and my mind is always open.
Again, to anybody who I might offend, I apologize.
<3
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
venting.
I had my first day of college today. I was stressed and overwhelmed only to find out that it wasn't that big of a deal.. My first class is psychology, which I was excited about and the only class I was excited about taking. My Russian Literature class was second, all I know is that I have to have six books for that one class. I was not excited. Going into the class, the professor had a very strong accent and odor :/ and she was everywhere. Saying she didn't know the quarter started today and she didn't have anything ready.. Really lady? It hasn't been posted on the web site for twelve years or anything? Also in this class, there was a miss know it all. I get that you're super excited to be a kiss ass to your professor, but lose the attitude, nobody enjoyed it.. Let other people speak. Last but not least, was my Art History.. This professor has a very strong accent as well, but I could understand her at least. The guy that sat next to me tried talking to me the entire time.. Can't you see I'm trying to pay attention?
I come home and take a, much needed, three hour nap. Wake up to my family cooking..SCORE. Then I had to go to Kroger so I could feed my boyfriend later.. Walking into Kroger I see a girl who I haven't talked to in years, due to the fact that she bullied me in high school, went out with my friend behind my back, and she was faker than Barbie. I try not to hold grudges, but let's be real. I'm not about to stand there and act like nothing is wrong with the things she did.. So, trying not to be a bitch, she said hey and I walked away, that was the only polite way I could think of. Don't be fake, that's all I ask. I don't find it hard. I hate being lied to and two faced girls.
I made this blog to help relief some stress. If I can help anybody, just let me know and I'd love to listen :)
<3 kassierenee
I come home and take a, much needed, three hour nap. Wake up to my family cooking..SCORE. Then I had to go to Kroger so I could feed my boyfriend later.. Walking into Kroger I see a girl who I haven't talked to in years, due to the fact that she bullied me in high school, went out with my friend behind my back, and she was faker than Barbie. I try not to hold grudges, but let's be real. I'm not about to stand there and act like nothing is wrong with the things she did.. So, trying not to be a bitch, she said hey and I walked away, that was the only polite way I could think of. Don't be fake, that's all I ask. I don't find it hard. I hate being lied to and two faced girls.
I made this blog to help relief some stress. If I can help anybody, just let me know and I'd love to listen :)
<3 kassierenee
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